Man Who Feasts on Goats [Satirical Piece]

Freshly traded LA Rams QB Matthew Stafford gazes majestically in training camp. Photo courtesy of Detroit Free Press

They say you are what you eat, and newly acquired Los Angeles Rams quarterback, Matthew Stafford, has taken this quite literally. After years of attempts to gain an edge in a game that a few claim is 10% physical and 90% mental, some players have been seeking alternative methods to compete at a higher level. Kansas City Chiefs speedy wide receiver Tyreek Hill, partakes in an annual pilgrimage to Pamplona during the Running of the Bulls festival. Of course, there’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady and his secret life competing as a Drum Major for the Highland Games, and one can never forget Buffalo Bills star Stefon Diggs’ summer classes at Dell’Arte International, a clown college where he perfected his juggling and fire-eating abilities.

Recently, however, we’re seeing a new and exciting trail being blazed by the former Detroit Lions franchise centerpiece. “If you wanna be the GOAT, you gotta eat some.” Earlier in a press conference Stafford exclaimed that he plans to maintain absolute excellence in order to lead the LA Rams to multiple Lombardi trophies, but shockingly, he revealed his new secret to gain that “championship-edge”; Goat tacos.

Former Detroit Lions QB Matthew Stafford shares a post-game moment with then New England Patriots QB Tom Brady. Photo courtesy of SB Nation

Father, Husband, Quarterback, and FARMER?

Born, raised, and braised directly in his newly purchased million-dollar goat farm just outside of Pasadena, these prized bovine are the top-quality bleaters on the market. Following the farm’s purchase, PETA immediately released a statement condemning goat consumption of any kind, insisting that goats are people too. Stafford answered that in fact he would go so far as to eat the “golden goat” himself, Brady, if given the chance. “I mean, if someone offered me some Tom tacos, I wouldn’t say no. You never know what kind of powers those would have, especially with some cilantro-lime sauce,” Stafford quipped. With the media attention swirling in Tampa Bay, there seems to be no current plans on committing such atrocities against the 7-time Super Bowl champion, so future Hall-of-Famer Brady can rest easy.

The beasts at Wilber’s Way Goat Farm, however... have much to fear.